I feel that for my entire life, I've always been running in some kind of a mental marathon and I've rarely caught my breath. I keep running away from the past, pushing the present and running so fast to the future. Running against social norms and violating them. Running against livid states of body, running against useless emotions, running over my demons, running into nihilistic states of mind. Running into denial, running away from denial, running away from my mother's sheer pressure, running away from my father's passive aggression, running away from psychological clichés, running into dehumanizing, running with an agenda, running to scheming, plotting and manipulating. Running with questions, running for answers, running with snide sarcasm. Running over thorns to get my roses. Running away from gray zones, preconceptions and prejudice. Running far beyond my limits, my age, my maturity and my perception. Running to perfection, running away from the void, emptiness, living bubbles. Running away from my ivory tower.
I feel that my body is trapped in the present while my mind is in the future and my soul keeps going back and forth, sometimes it stays in a twilight zone and sometimes it goes in a different tense of time that I'm not sure how to explain but it's more like an oblivion or a parallel world!
I also feel that I push others to run when they cover up their failures by their self-claimed mental disabilities. Also When they think they can't keep up running with me, when they get intimidated, when they run back to their cocoons, when they inhibit their inner whore, when they are not cavalier about love and sex. When they are a Freudian nightmare, when they cling into norms, when they make a whole gay parade out of it. When they think they are right, when they think they are wrong. When I see right through them and when they no longer challenge me.
But the worst thing is to stop running, you feel empty and maybe that's how we get asphyxiated and the after-life is just the complete void that you keep running away from!
So shall I stop or shall you stop me? Or Who should stop whom?
P.S I already have two unfinished posts in draft but I don't know what happened that made my thoughts flow smoothly into writing this post, but I like it when this kind of inspiration happens randomly!
Wow! If this was a musical album it would be the most exciting and personal to date!
ReplyDeleteI would give it a Grammy!
Finally something genuine! :P
No I am pulling your leg.. but for once you didn't relay on some cheap trick or shortcut to actually "move" people.
I was moved entirely by your personal struggle, not because there was a controversy or some attempt at sloppy psychology or sexual kink.
This was deep and meaningful and I thank you for sharing it.
I knew u like it when I go deep and release my demons! =)
ReplyDeleteThanks for ur very nice comment, highly appreciate it
xx
wow.. my heart rate went up about 35 bpm reading that post! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat really grabbed me was the "Running to perfection, running away from the void" statement, I don't know which is actually scarier, the void or the perfection. To me, they both sound as suffocating as each other. Maybe the after-life is just the complete perfection that you keep running away from!